EFF U WORTHY #35 Fact or Bullshit Baby?!

Ahhhhh Super Sleuths, and those who just want to know useless bits of information about my life…

Do I have a post for YOU!

Below, you will find random facts. You guess if they are actually factual tidbits about my life or just plain utter bullshit. Fun huh? I thought so.

Duh duh duh Duuuuuuh… here we go!

1. While giving birth, as a DR and Med Student had their heads in the general vicinity of my nether regions. I was shocked to hear these words… “Wow! Thats ALOT of hair!”

Fact or Bullshit?

FACT!

They were not talking about ME, this is not the 70’s! Us ladies now-a-days are mindful of these things. My daughter was born with a FULL head of black hair. Long enough that in her newborn hospital pictures she has regular barrettes holding her hair out of her eyes. She thinks that story is hilarious. I don’t.

2. My EX looks so similar to my CURRENT, that I once opened the door to my EX without pants on, thinking he was obviously someone else.

…

FACT.

I learned that day to always wear my glasses when peering out the window to see who was here. I also learned that husband #3 will be Asian or maybe a woman. So much easier that way… KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING.

3. I broke a tooth on a Smartie, and although I don’t and haven’t had a cavity, that friggin’ tooth has cost me 1000’s of dollars to fix.

Huh huh?

BULLSHIT.

It was a REESE’S PIECES. God damn delectable piece of confectionery magnificence!

4. I suffer from a falainadolopsovovphobia.

FACT.

Also called orcusphobia, I have a hard core fear of Killer Whales. If I see them on TV, I stop breathing, I get sweaty and I feel like I will faint. I have terrifying nightmares involving Orcas where I wake up screaming. It is terrifying. Moral of the story, DO NOT ASK ME TO GO TO MARINELAND. Last time DID NOT work out well for me.

5. I once broke my foot by stepping on a Beanie Baby the wrong way.

What do you think?

BULLSHIT.

Seriously, is that even POSSIBLE?

6. My child’s father’s brother was named as her father on her official medical record.

??????

FACT.

EFFED up but totally true. He had a child not long before we did and we share the same DR and somehow his name was on the little yellow sheet of paper that you get to take with you to the hospital with all pertinent information for the delivery. It wasn’t even us who noticed, it was him weeks later while looking at the paper. It was corrected.

So, what do you think?

EFF U WORTHY #34 Regrets? I regret not taking the time to get to REALLY know you, that would give me a greater supply of assholian fodder to blog about.

We all have things we regret, after all, to err is human.

There are many things in my life I would like a pass or do-over of, such as…

1. That week I went vegetarian. If only I could have back those 7 days to fit as many pieces of bacon as I could into my gullet. Life is better with bacon… (and butter and cheese and more bacon)

2. Permed hair circa grade 6. Looking back I wonder what the hell convinced me that my flat stringy hair would look better frizzy and dry?

3. Professing my undying love to Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.

4. Wishing I had bigger boobs while I was a teenager, because let me tell you, DD’s are not all I thought they would be.

5. Letting my ex-husband talk me out of the daisy tattoo I wanted on my breast.

From here on out I will…

1. Eat what I truly want.

2. Say what I truly feel.

3. Love those that DESERVE my love in return.

4. And probably still bust out into Ice Ice Baby, just saying, you’ve been fair warned.

EFF U WORTHY #33 The Next Person To Ask Me How I’m Doing Gets A Chair In The Face.

Mother Nature is an effing B!tch.

This week we lost our much beloved unborn baby.

To anyone planning to talk to me, please refrain from saying even one of these…

1. How are you?

How the fu*k do you think I am? I just lost a child. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared and I feel guilty and confused. I want to simultaneously cry and punch something.

2. Its for the best.

Are you effing serious? In what plane of reality is it BEST that a parent lose a child. A child loses a sibling? Try telling a seven year old that its BEST that his brother should cease to grow in utero and you will get the same look of confusion and disbelief that I am reserving for you.

3. You can try again.

I wasn’t attempting to peel an apple without breaking the skin you a$$hole. I was creating life. I was falling in love. You can’t replace that, even with someone else.

4. Everything happens for a reason.

Yeah, sometimes that reason is that SH!T just happens. Telling a woman that she miscarried for a reason is like telling her that maybe she did something wrong. Telling her it is part of God’s plan is telling her that God wants her to feel broken and empty. If God wants an Angel he can create his own. My womb is off limits.

5. It gets easier.

No, it gets bearable. Not the same effing thing.

If you want to make me feel better, tell me it effing sucks. That… we can agree on.

If you want to make me feel better, tell me you are there if I need anything. Maybe I will need more Kleenex, maybe I will need the kids picked up from school. Maybe I will need Sour Keys because I don’t feel like eating anymore but RIGHT NOW candy makes me feel better.

If you want to make me feel better, DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING… (true examples)

1. Tell me my prayers won’t be answered because I posted a Jesus meme on facebook.

2. Text  3 times while I am actively losing my baby to mention YOUR miscarriage, when all you needed to say was “No problem I understand tonight isn’t a good night, lets change visitation to another night.”

Mother nature

EFF U,

you insensitive ass faces

EFF U.

EFF U WORTHY #32 Pretty sure the constant puking is Baby’s way of giving me the finger. They start so young nowadays, don’t they?.

For those of you unaware, I am currently incubating Baby C.

Those of you who don’t see me every day may not be aware that this baby has caused such crazy a$$ morning (poorly, poorly named) sickness that I pretty much feel like I should just throw a cot in the bathroom and camp out there for the duration of this pregnancy.

I love being pregnant, I can’t wait for Baby C to join our hellish brood.

I CAN though, wish these symptoms to disappear…

1. Puking constantly…especially between 12:30 am-5:30am.

2. Super heightened sense of smell that means I can not go NEAR the arena of CURRENT youngest’s hockey practice. Leaving me upstairs watching through a glass wall.

3. Maternity pants at the end of the first trimester. (not really a symptom but I felt it needed to be b!tched about)

4. An extremely loving and caring partner who keeps scouring the internet and health food stores to find what I call his “potions” to help make me feel better. Seriously babe, I’M not English, I can only drink so many weird teas before I just want a Mint Mocha Frap. (again, along lines of point #3)

5. Dizzyness… It is not fun to feel drunk when you aren’t allowed to have a Blue Flavour Martini…

6. Exhaustion… Anyone who has children already, knows what I am talking about. Its ok when its your first child, you work, you sleep, what else do you really have to do? Add other kids and sports practices, games, recitals, missing sandals 10 minutes before school and a tween and by 10:30am on any given day you are pretty well ready to sleep where you stand.. In the grocery store…no worries, I will just rest my head here in the aisle with the marshmallows, At work… No one will care if I take a quick nap stretched out in an empty conference room, right?

7. Aversion to foods… Baby C…how can chocolate milk suddenly taste like a cold cup of urine would surely taste?

I guess in the grand scheme of things these are really nothing to complain about when the end result will be a baby so loved and adored and cherished. But, thank you to InterWeb for providing a vehicle for its mother to publicly rant so 17 years down the road when this spectacular gift comes home waaaaay to late smelling like cheap beer its mother can pull up this page while wailing… “how could you doooooo this to your own Mother? Did you not know that I spent 9 months puking and tasting pee everytime I drank chocolate milk. And THIS is the thanks I get?!?!”

Morning sickness and your unruly companions,

EFF U!

Things that Blow My Mind and Rock the Sh!t.

Today’s blog is going to be something a little different.

Not ranty, or angry or full of righteous indignation,

but instead… things that I think are the total sh!t.

So relax,

grab a Hawaiian Punch (AWESOME!)

and enjoy…

Sour Skittles

As far as candy goes, I’m pretty sure these are like little drops of sour, sweet heaven. They rock my taste buds. They are the shiznit of confections. Sour Skittles… I love you.

Guitar Players

YEP, this dude got WAAAAAAAY more play than you! *swoon*

My first serious boyfriend was a guitar player (still is)

My Ex-husband was a guitar player (still is)

The love of my life plays guitar.

Do you see a pattern here?

Dude playing a guitar anywhere, you are instantly 100 times sexier. Keep up the good work of looking thoughtful and deep and sensitive, whether you are playing November Rain *weak knees* or secretly rocking out to Whitney Houston while telling everyone you are really into Leonard Cohen.

It works,

stay with it.

The smell of Bleach

Don’t judge me, there are apparently blogs and Facebook pages dedicated to the smell of bleach.

Its just my favourite smell EVAH! Its so clean and smells like work that I don’t have to do because its already clean and bleach-y! Tell me something that smells better than bleach and I will tell you, you are an idiot and wrong.

End of story.

Jean Grey/ Phoenix and Wolverine

Yes, I am a grown woman in her 30’s who digs the shit out of XMEN comics. Whats wrong with that?

Nothing.

I’m awesome so shut it.

Chatsworth House

Hey Mum, this is my favourite picture from Chatsworth. Thanks for bringing me.

I am an Austenite. I wanted to see ONE thing when I went to England with my English spouse. CHATSWORTH HOUSE. And I saw my beloved Pemberley and I got misty eyes looking at the grand entrance and the divine marble. I thank my in-laws for taking me even though they had been there before and looking at another old English House is not their idea of a good time. Love you all.

Dudes with an accent

If you read this entire blog you would know my hubby is English. I swear it is so much easier to tune someone out and have a blissful look on your face when they say things like “Bloody ‘ell!”  “Cuppa tea love?” “blah blah blah James Bond blah blah blah” and “Oh my, someone left a spot of rubbish!” (that is a direct quote)

Dude with an accent,

Everything you say makes my heart flutter.

You rock.

Sass.

EFF U WORTHY #31 When good milk goes bad

I’m totally baffled as to how ONE of the 3 bags of milk in the pack can be bad. Not all 3, but just one.

Did they not ALL come from the same batch? Did someone switch one? If so, why?

I feel violated in some weird way. Someone got in there and checked out those bags before I did. Someone man-handled my milk. It feels wrong.

Is it just me?????

I think I need more sleep.

EFF U bad milk. EFF U!

 

 

Its that time again… Random SH!T I hate Thursday!

Dear Thursday 26 April 2012,

Please enjoy this list of random sh!t I hate…

1. People who argue even when they know they are wrong (this though, has the added benefit of them being proven wrong, and them KNOWING you KNOW they KNOW they were wrong!).

2. Lobster meat.

3.  When the bathroom stall doesn’t lock properly and you have to pee while kicking the door closed.

4.  Watching a movie someone has recommended only to discover it BLOWS hard and your friend might actually be an idiot for enjoying it in the first place.

5.  When a vending machine takes my money and gives me the snack food middle finger by not giving me my delicious and overpriced treat.

6. Eating yogurt with a metal spoon. I can’t do it. Its just WRONG!

Dear Thursday,

thanks for listening.

Sass.

 

EFF U WORTHY #30 And you thought I had forgotten you, you Fu*ker.

As with everyone, every where, I secretly harbor a list of people who (even seemingly forgettable) have really made an impression, pissing me off so memorably that I loathe you decades down the road.

1. The middle-age woman who worked at the food court in Centre Mall when I was  about 8 and mocked me in front of other customers when I asked to borrow some napkins (thinking I was being polite)… Thank you for instilling in me the need to get an education. I now know what happens when you sit in your stagnant life and don’t try to better yourself. You become a 40-ish woman who is missing teeth and selling burgers, making herself feel better by belittling children. THAT was a lesson well learned.

2. The snobby girl who when playing tag told everyone NOT to tag me because I would never catch anyone and the game would last forever. Because of you I took up running in high school. Thank you, I have killer legs.

3. To the gentleman who told me I was disgusting for breast feeding my baby in the waiting room of the ER, I would gladly do it again just to piss you off. Because you left the ER over my “behaviour” my child was seen sooner. She was transported to a children’s hospital and every second counted. Your ignorance may have saved my child life.

4. To the “friend” who “didn’t know” where my ex-husband was when trying to reach him and emailed me by mistake instead of him right after…it’s ok, I made out with your husband when we were teenagers before you were together and I KNOW why you are so miserable. *wink*

Assholes of the past,

EFF U.

Welcome to… Random Sh!t I hate Thursday!

So,

here is my thought process…

1. Wake up.

2. Should I get out of bed?

3. Housework… hmmm…

4. Blog?

5. What about? There is so much that has pissed me off this week and its only Thursday.

6. Booyah Bitches.

And so, welcome to… RANDOM SH!T I HATE THURSDAY!

 

Dear Thursday 19 April 2012,

here is some random sh!t that I hate:

when the seam at the toes of your socks gets bunched around your toes,

people (this means YOU family) walking on the floor with shoes on when you KNOW I just scrubbed it,

bridges,

killer whales (something about those larger than life and yet eerily human eyes makes me want to pass out),

people getting my name wrong when I repeated it ATLEAST 3 times,

when there is a dribble left in the bag of milk or jug of juice and no one sees fit to just drink it and refill it,

sitting my a$$ on the toilet and realizing no one replaced the toilet paper roll (even though the extras are RIGHT BESIDE THE TOILET),

country music,

the sound of hockey on tv,

people blaming Yoko for busting up the Beatles.

Dear Thursday thanks for listening.

Sass.

EFF U WORTHY #29 Thank God the Asshole gene skips a generation.

To my Dearly Beloved,

You are not responsible for the a$$holian actions of mega proportions that belong to the people in your life.

You are not expected to please others that have done nothing but belittle and hurt you.

You are not anyone’s whipping boy. You are no longer a 10 year old child.

You are not the protector of anyone else’s feelings.

You can not let the stupid, hurtful, short sighted actions of others have any bearing on your happiness.

You are responsible for you and you only.

Those that know you truly love you.

Those that truly love you wouldn’t intentionally hurt you.

You deserve better and you always have.

Misery loves company and they have plenty of it.

Miserable Selfish Assholes,

EFF U.