Your paintbrush, my wounds

I want to take this post to a serious level, which I know is not my usual style.

To any who have ever felt that their opinion doesn’t matter or that their voice isn’t meant to be heard,

check out this art collection from Jess Black.

http://www.boundinblack.com/

Hatred and Fear

EFF U

 

 

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EFF U WORTHY #19 Why YES I am Batsh!t insane why do you ask?

Listen grown a$$ woman of the world,

you know what is NOT becoming of you?

A Temper Tantrum when you don’t get your own way.

It might be forgivable when you are a toddler and you have cute little pig tails and spaces in your teeth and you live with mama (oh wait, you still do live with mama????? hmmmmm….) but when you have passed the Dirty Thirty mark it ceases to be looked on as reasonable.

It makes you seem like a spoiled brat that is used to having her own way because your parents are neglectful human beings and did not instill into their child the necessity of proper etiquette or manners. Perhaps they were too busy teaching you that you are always right and that it is normal for children in their teens to still be sleeping with their parents (or at least right inside the door).

So just to be clear on this point…

If you ask someone for a favor, and they say NO because they can’t…

bullying,

yelling,

guilting and

insulting their children…

NEVER THE WAY TO GO.

This concludes today’s lesson which I don’t think you will understand.

Insane B!tch,

EFF U

EFF U WORTHY #18 Thank you cable tv network for NOTHING

I heart, Heart, HEARTED The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

That is no surprise for any who know me as I am a bordering on the ridiculously obsessed with the Terminator Series (except Terminator 3, we don’t talk about Terminator 3). Yes I had a Marcus Wright action figure taped to my inbox tray at work. Yes I see a black and white tiled floor and I momentarily wait for a T-1000 to emerge and stab me through the eye.  Yes I am waiting for the day where I can finally say “Come with me if you want to live.”

I can’t be the only one right?

I had to go through a period of mourning when they cancelled TSCC. Just cancelled it. No ending. John Connor back in the future with Cameron in John Henry’s body and a T-1000 hanging around.

RIP TSCC 2008-2009

So why, WHY, do they allow 312 seasons of Survivor or the Bachelor or The Real World or Guiding Light and I can’t find out how the hell they stop Skynet?

Why can’t I turn on the TV and sit down with new episodes of Arrested Development? (yes, I’ve heard the Netflix deal, but I will believe it when I see it.)

Thank you HBO and AMC for your run of programming awesomeness.

Don’t let me down.

FOX Television

EFF U


EFF U WORTHY #17 Up yours you germy bastards

Being sick sucks a$$.

No nice way to say it. Germs, you are microscopic little sh!t faces and I hate you.

I hate the way my nose is running like a tap.

I hate the way my eyes are all goopy.

I hate the way my head feels as if it is slowly being inflated and at any moment my eyes may pop out of their sockets and be hanging on their optic muscles and be banging on my cheeks.

I feel achy and miserable and to be frankly honest I think I am being a miserable wench to everyone.

I’m not generally a whiner (a princess yes, but whiner? Hey I put up with a lot of sh!t) but I get a cold and suddenly every thing pisses me off.

Hell, I’m pissed off that I’m writing this right now.

Remember what it felt like to breathe out of both nostrils?

I don’t.

Remember what it felt like when your nose wasn’t raw and flaky?

I don’t.

Remember when the bottle you were swigging out of was not meant to reduce phlegm and mucus?

I don’t.

and for that I say,

Germs…

EFF U

EFF U WORTHY #16 If you don’t know the answer just ask Poe-ipedia

I have a daughter. She thinks she is the center of the universe and the Yoda of tweens. There is not anything that has happened ever, since the creation of time that she is not aware of. No question to which she does not have the answer.

She will give you advice freely, without you asking for it or really wanting it.

There is NOTHING you can do that she can’t so BETTER, hell, she doesn’t even need to know what you are talking about to know that you are wrong and that she would do it a million times more efficient, AND LOOK BETTER DOING IT.

Mt Everest, pftttttt, she could scale that, in her sleep, wearing heels, blindfolded, with a broken leg and carrying a litter of orphaned puppies.

In the above picture she is texting, listening to music and ignoring me ALL AT ONCE!

If that doesn’t scream multi-tasker, I don’t know what does.

I really am the most blessed of mothers.

Puberty,

EFF U

 

EFF U WORTHY #15 Hellz NO you can’t borrow my sh!t

I made a comic. (click link to read his blog)

Awesome comic by JOOGZ. Check him out. (I claim no stake to this comic, merely showing my appreciation for someone else’s AWESOMENESS)

Sooooo,

I have something you want, eh?

You will bring it back when you’re done, you say.

I don’t believe you, you filthy stinking liar.

You see, I’m a nice girl. I like to help out when I can. I give people my sh!t and I never seem to get it back.

Whats worse is that they seem to remember incorrectly that it is THEIRS. They ARGUE that they bought it, OR my fave, after giving it back CALL and ask for their (fill in the effin’ blank) THAT THEY LENT ME?!

WTF?

Am I in some sort of bizarro world where up is down and mine is yours?

Listen you cheap a$$ son of a b!tch, I don’t mind lending you something but you sure as hell better bring it back.

I don’t mind if you have it for longer than you asked JUST BRING IT BACK! Apologize, give me a “mah bad… I’m not done yet.” I will let it slide. Don’t just act as if you had a piano dropped on your head and you can’t remember what the f&@k I’m talking about.

(hmmmm, bad analogy, if you had a piano dropped on your head you would be dead and not remember what I’m talking about. THAT I MAY FORGIVE.)

So,

you borrowing my shit and staking claim to it piece of work,

EFF U.

EFF U WORTHY #14 Screw the gun I want the Phenobarbital


In proper Nerd/Fangirl fashion I often find myself discussing the eventuality of a Zombie attack, the superiority of Picard over Kirk (I don’t care people, Picard gets SH!T done!), Terminators vs Cylons ~ Who would you want on your side?

These conversations inevitably lead to longer discussions at home with my equally nerdy counterpart about how we would survive a Zombie Apocalypse.

Here are the ground rules we have established…

1. If he becomes a Zombie he will immediately be double tapped. He is stronger than I, I will stand no chance.

2. If I become a Zombie I will be kept lovingly in the back shed to play video games with. (which reminds me dude, you still have my Shaun of the Dead DVD… you know who you are).

3.  I am not sure a gun would be my weapon of choice. Where will I get bullets? How do I shoot it? How will I clean it? I am going with a shovel and baseball bat carried Deadpool style. A Katana sword will also be considered.  My Zombie killing partner (granted he isn’t infected) will carry the gun.

4. I want to be hospitalized and medically induced into a coma.

Why?

Think about it my little nerdlings…

The movie/tv show/video game starts with our hero waking up in a hospital. Confused. Pulls out the IV that is mysteriously in their arm. They stumble out of bed slowly realizing where they are. As they make their way out into the world they realize that they have been in a coma. Why? Doesn’t matter (gun shot, cloning experiments…) but they are ALIVE!  Not just alive, but ALIVE and pissed everyone is dead and trying to knaw on their face. Bast@rds!

Our hero awakens from a coma, a Zombie killing machine that you know will get the job done and outlast the god forsaken dead.

That my friends is my plan. So if we find ourselves under a Zombie Attack and I disappear, worry not. I have not fallen to the scourge, I am simply assuring our survival.

I will be back to say,

Zombies,

EFF U

This Post brings tears of joyous jaded animosity to my eyes.

Life in the Boomer Lane

To the person who spelled my middle name incorrectly on my birth certificate: I applaud you for your creative license.  You took a strange spelling and turned it into an even stranger spelling. You recognized that although I was merely minutes old, I strove to be unique.

To my first grade teacher who looked at my deranged, curly hair and asked me “Doesn’t your mother ever comb your hair?”:  Yes, bitch, she did.  Whoops, I thank you for caring enough about my personal grooming to have said something.

To the doctor who said, “It’s fun getting your tonsils out.  You can eat all the ice cream you want afterward.”:  I thank you for this. Although swallowing ice cream right after the surgery was the equivalent of swallowing sandpaper with nails embedded in it, I was able to eat it and enjoy it in vast quantities by the following…

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EFF U WORTHY #13 Back to your bridge evil Troll, you have no powers here.

Query…

Why is it bullies seem dumb struck the moment they are called on their sh!t?

They must know that there will come a time when they cross paths with someone that ISN’T going to put up with their stupid lame a$$ behavior. Shouldn’t they?

I mean, simple laws of averages should be enough to let the dumb a$$ know that not everyone they try to manipulate and hurt will stand for it. I would think it goes without saying that if they try to bully someone they don’t ACTUALLY know that the odds increase exponentially. But hey, I’m not a mathematician so don’t quote me.

The way I see it (and for those of you unaware I was given the gift at birth of seeing A$$HOLES for what they truly are. Ohhh it has been both a blessing and a curse) if you are going to be a smack talking controlling b!tch, you MIGHT want to stick to someone you know will put up with it.  Probably not the best idea to:

1. Pick on someone’s child that you don’t really know.

Here you run the risk of running into a very angry mother bear who might decide you pose a threat to her cub. This NEVER ends well for the one threatening the cub. Just watch National Geographic.

2.  Assume that ALL people in the household or family of someone who (once) put up with your craziness will put up with you the same way.

Here you run the risk of being confronted, perhaps very publicly, not loudly or aggressively, but the world is a small place, chances are the 2 of you will cross paths. Unless you are prepared to try to manipulate and control someone without actually knowing how they will react, I suggest steering clear of this eventuality.

Now, perhaps it is just that you are too ridiculously deluded to see that your actions and words are aggressive and offensive. I hear that can happen when you are raised by a pack of ruthless wolves.

I suggest keeping your crazy f&%king bullsh!t aimed at someone you KNOW will put up with it. Because let me tell you,

You don’t know ME.

I don’t owe you a god damned thing.

The way YOUR life has ended up, says more about YOU than you would like.

So,

ignorant bully

EFF U.

EFF U WORTHY #12 Wanted 1 specially trained Ninja Lion

Maybe it’s just me, but, sometimes I get sick of waiting for Karma to catch up with the douchebags of the world.

We all know one or two (or whole families of them that live on the other side of town, together, within their four walled house of delusion…) that we would like Karma to come and bitch slap.

I like to picture Karma as this large angry woman, wearing a muumuu (don’t ask why, I just find them scary) and house slippers.  She is carrying a  TV guide from 1984. (I may be channeling some repressed childhood memories here, but that is a post for another day)

She sits on her porch in an old lazyboy watching the shenanigans of the hooligans on her street. You are afraid of her but you don’t let your friends know. They are just as afraid, but you know how morons get when they are in groups. You decide to taunt Karma and she seems to just sit there and glare at you. Your heart is racing. You run down the street to your home thinking you are cool and safe.

But guess what?

Karma is a mean old broad who is just plotting. She seems to take her time, waiting till you least expect it and then…

WHAM,

out come the specially trained ninja lion assassins.

I sometimes think I would like to have one, maybe two of these ninja lions myself. You may feel the same way. You may think Karma is too slow for your liking. That YOU would be better knocking some sense into those douchebags. You my friend would be wrong.

There is nothing more satisfying to the angry or jaded than to see the object of their disgust/hatred be knocked around by the mighty hand of Karma.

That my friends is the bane of the douchebag, the salvation of the downtrodden.

A kick ass angry woman with a specially trained ninja lion.

Priceless.

Douchebags…

EFF U

Karma’s a bitch.