EFF U WORTHY #34 Regrets? I regret not taking the time to get to REALLY know you, that would give me a greater supply of assholian fodder to blog about.

We all have things we regret, after all, to err is human.

There are many things in my life I would like a pass or do-over of, such as…

1. That week I went vegetarian. If only I could have back those 7 days to fit as many pieces of bacon as I could into my gullet. Life is better with bacon… (and butter and cheese and more bacon)

2. Permed hair circa grade 6. Looking back I wonder what the hell convinced me that my flat stringy hair would look better frizzy and dry?

3. Professing my undying love to Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.

4. Wishing I had bigger boobs while I was a teenager, because let me tell you, DD’s are not all I thought they would be.

5. Letting my ex-husband talk me out of the daisy tattoo I wanted on my breast.

From here on out I will…

1. Eat what I truly want.

2. Say what I truly feel.

3. Love those that DESERVE my love in return.

4. And probably still bust out into Ice Ice Baby, just saying, you’ve been fair warned.

EFF U WORTHY #33 The Next Person To Ask Me How I’m Doing Gets A Chair In The Face.

Mother Nature is an effing B!tch.

This week we lost our much beloved unborn baby.

To anyone planning to talk to me, please refrain from saying even one of these…

1. How are you?

How the fu*k do you think I am? I just lost a child. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared and I feel guilty and confused. I want to simultaneously cry and punch something.

2. Its for the best.

Are you effing serious? In what plane of reality is it BEST that a parent lose a child. A child loses a sibling? Try telling a seven year old that its BEST that his brother should cease to grow in utero and you will get the same look of confusion and disbelief that I am reserving for you.

3. You can try again.

I wasn’t attempting to peel an apple without breaking the skin you a$$hole. I was creating life. I was falling in love. You can’t replace that, even with someone else.

4. Everything happens for a reason.

Yeah, sometimes that reason is that SH!T just happens. Telling a woman that she miscarried for a reason is like telling her that maybe she did something wrong. Telling her it is part of God’s plan is telling her that God wants her to feel broken and empty. If God wants an Angel he can create his own. My womb is off limits.

5. It gets easier.

No, it gets bearable. Not the same effing thing.

If you want to make me feel better, tell me it effing sucks. That… we can agree on.

If you want to make me feel better, tell me you are there if I need anything. Maybe I will need more Kleenex, maybe I will need the kids picked up from school. Maybe I will need Sour Keys because I don’t feel like eating anymore but RIGHT NOW candy makes me feel better.

If you want to make me feel better, DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING… (true examples)

1. Tell me my prayers won’t be answered because I posted a Jesus meme on facebook.

2. Text  3 times while I am actively losing my baby to mention YOUR miscarriage, when all you needed to say was “No problem I understand tonight isn’t a good night, lets change visitation to another night.”

Mother nature

EFF U,

you insensitive ass faces

EFF U.