This Post brings tears of joyous jaded animosity to my eyes.
To the person who spelled my middle name incorrectly on my birth certificate: I applaud you for your creative license. You took a strange spelling and turned it into an even stranger spelling. You recognized that although I was merely minutes old, I strove to be unique.
To my first grade teacher who looked at my deranged, curly hair and asked me “Doesn’t your mother ever comb your hair?”: Yes, bitch, she did. Whoops, I thank you for caring enough about my personal grooming to have said something.
To the doctor who said, “It’s fun getting your tonsils out. You can eat all the ice cream you want afterward.”: I thank you for this. Although swallowing ice cream right after the surgery was the equivalent of swallowing sandpaper with nails embedded in it, I was able to eat it and enjoy it in vast quantities by the following…
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